Anxious child? Helping them have a give it a try attitude
Does your anxious or hesitant child have a hard time trying new things? Maybe they watch from the sidelines even though you know they would enjoy joining in. Or perhaps they want to participate but become overwhelmed by all the things that might go wrong.
For children who struggle with anxiety, unfamiliar situations can feel especially risky. They may worry about making a mistake, being embarrassed, getting hurt, failing, or simply not knowing what will happen.
As parents, our instinct is often to make the anxiety disappear. But helping an anxious child does not necessarily mean helping them feel completely comfortable before they act.
Sometimes the more important goal is helping children learn:
“I can feel nervous and still give it a try.”
The main takeaway: Bravery doesn’t mean a child isn’t afraid. Bravery means taking a reasonable step forward even when some fear or uncertainty is present. With support and practice, children can learn that anxiety does not always have to decide what they do.
Why Do Anxious Children Avoid New Things?
Anxiety is designed to help us recognize and respond to potential threats. The problem is that anxiety can sometimes sound an alarm when a situation is uncomfortable or uncertain rather than actually dangerous.
An anxious child might think:
- “What if everyone laughs at me?”
- “What if I can’t do it?”
- “What if I don’t know anyone?”
- “What if I make a mistake?”
- “What if something bad happens?”
Those thoughts can make avoiding the situation seem like the safest choice.
And avoidance usually works—at least temporarily.
A child who decides not to attend the party, try out for the team, answer the question in class, or sleep away from home may immediately feel less anxious.
That relief can make avoidance more likely the next time anxiety appears.
How Avoidance Can Keep Anxiety Going
This can create an anxiety-avoidance cycle:
- A child encounters something unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
- The child predicts that something bad might happen.
- Anxiety increases.
- The child avoids or escapes the situation.
- Anxiety decreases temporarily.
- The child does not get the opportunity to learn what might have happened if they had stayed in the situation.
Avoidance can therefore prevent children from discovering two important things:
- The outcome they feared may not happen.
- Even when something is difficult or uncomfortable, they may be capable of handling it.
This is one reason helping children gradually approach manageable fears can be an important part of addressing anxiety.
Learn more about anxiety treatment for children and teenagers.
Why Reassurance Doesn’t Always Help an Anxious Child
When children are scared, parents naturally want to reassure them.
We might say:
- “You’ll be fine.”
- “There’s nothing to worry about.”
- “I promise nothing bad will happen.”
A little reassurance is not inherently harmful. Children need supportive and responsive caregivers.
But repeatedly trying to guarantee that nothing uncomfortable will happen can become problematic because parents cannot eliminate every uncertainty from a child’s life.
We cannot guarantee that a child will get a part in the school play.
We cannot guarantee that every classmate will like them.
We cannot guarantee that they will never make a mistake.
And we cannot guarantee that every new experience will go exactly as planned.
Instead of promising certainty, parents can communicate something more useful:
“You can handle uncertainty, and I’ll help you figure out what to do.”
Help Your Child Examine the “What If?”
Anxious thoughts often involve predictions about the future.
Instead of immediately telling your child that the prediction is wrong, help them become curious about it.
You might ask:
- “What are you worried will happen?”
- “How likely do you think that is?”
- “Has that happened before?”
- “What else could happen?”
- “If that did happen, what could you do?”
- “Who could help you?”
The goal isn’t to debate your child out of feeling anxious.
It is to help them recognize that an anxious prediction is a thought about what might happen—not necessarily a fact about what will happen.
Teach the Difference Between Fear and Danger
An important skill for anxious children is learning that feeling afraid and being unsafe are not always the same thing.
Riding a bike for the first time might feel scary.
Walking into a new classroom might feel scary.
Trying out for a team might feel scary.
Ordering their own food at a restaurant might feel scary.
Those feelings deserve to be acknowledged, but feeling nervous does not automatically mean the activity is dangerous.
Parents can help children ask:
“Is this unsafe, or does it just feel uncomfortable because it’s new or uncertain?”
Of course, children should never be encouraged to ignore genuine danger or appropriate safety concerns. The goal is to help them distinguish reasonable caution from anxiety that is unnecessarily limiting their lives.
Help Your Child Take a Smaller Step
“Just do it” can be overwhelming for an anxious child.
Instead, think about the smallest reasonable step your child could take toward the situation.
A child who is nervous about joining a new activity might:
- Look at pictures or videos of the activity.
- Visit the location with a parent.
- Watch another child participate.
- Meet the coach, teacher, or group leader.
- Participate for a short period.
- Gradually work toward fuller participation.
The exact steps will depend on the child and situation.
The important part is that the child is gradually moving toward the manageable fear rather than consistently organizing life around avoiding it.
Praise Bravery, Not Just Success
An anxious child may try something and still struggle.
They might audition and not get the part.
They might introduce themselves and not immediately make a friend.
They might answer a question incorrectly.
If we only celebrate successful outcomes, children may conclude that taking a risk was worthwhile only because things turned out well.
Instead, notice the brave behavior itself.
You might say:
- “You looked nervous, and you tried it anyway.”
- “That didn’t go exactly how you wanted, but you handled it.”
- “You weren’t sure you could do it, and you took the first step.”
- “You were uncomfortable and stayed with it.”
This shifts the definition of success from “Nothing bad happened” to “I was able to cope with something difficult.”
When Should Parents Push and When Should They Back Off?
Parents sometimes struggle to know whether they should encourage an anxious child to keep going or allow them to stop.
There isn’t one rule that fits every situation.
Consider:
- Is the situation reasonably safe?
- Is this an age-appropriate expectation?
- Is anxiety preventing the child from doing something important or meaningful?
- Can the challenge be broken into a smaller step?
- Is the child uncomfortable, or are they completely overwhelmed?
- Does the child need encouragement, additional skills, or a different plan?
The goal isn’t to force children through every fear. It is also not to automatically remove every situation that makes them anxious.
Often the most useful approach lies somewhere between those extremes: support the child while helping them take manageable steps forward.
What Does a “Give It a Try” Attitude Teach Children?
Encouraging children to approach manageable fears gives them opportunities to gather new information.
They can discover:
- Some of their anxious predictions don’t happen.
- Uncertainty can be tolerated.
- They can use coping skills while feeling nervous.
- Mistakes and disappointments can be managed.
- Anxiety can change as they remain in a situation and gain experience.
- They are capable of doing difficult things.
Over time, the lesson becomes less about any particular activity and more about the child’s developing confidence:
“I don’t have to know exactly what will happen before I try.”
When Might an Anxious Child Need More Help?
Occasional nervousness and hesitation are part of childhood.
Additional support may be helpful when anxiety:
- Frequently prevents a child from participating in age-appropriate activities
- Interferes with school attendance or performance
- Makes friendships or social activities difficult
- Regularly disrupts sleep
- Produces frequent stomachaches, headaches, or other physical complaints
- Causes significant distress for the child
- Creates substantial conflict within the family
- Continues despite parents’ efforts to help
Therapy can help children understand anxiety, develop coping strategies, and gradually practice approaching situations they have been avoiding.
Parents can also learn strategies for responding to anxiety without unintentionally strengthening avoidance.
Kalamazoo Child & Family Counseling provides therapy for children, teens, and families experiencing anxiety and other emotional or behavioral concerns.
For families who need greater scheduling flexibility or live farther from the office, teletherapy for children and teens may also be an option when clinically appropriate.
Helping Anxious Children Learn to Be Brave
We cannot remove every risk, disappointment, uncomfortable feeling, or uncertain situation from childhood.
Nor would we necessarily want to.
Children need opportunities to discover that they can make mistakes, experience uncertainty, feel nervous, encounter disappointment, and still cope.
Bravery isn’t the absence of anxiety.
For an anxious child, bravery may simply mean taking the next manageable step while anxiety comes along for the ride.
Is Anxiety Getting in Your Child’s Way?
Kalamazoo Child & Family Counseling provides pediatric-focused mental health services for children, teenagers, and families in Kalamazoo and throughout Southwest Michigan.
Frequently Asked Questions
Children benefit from supportive and responsive caregivers, and occasional reassurance is normal. However, repeatedly trying to guarantee that nothing uncomfortable or unexpected will happen may not help a child learn to tolerate uncertainty. Parents can acknowledge the fear while expressing confidence that the child can cope with manageable challenges.
The goal is not to force a child into every situation that frightens them. Parents can consider whether an activity is reasonably safe and age appropriate, then help the child break a difficult situation into smaller, manageable steps. Persistent or severe anxiety may warrant guidance from a mental health professional.
Avoidance often reduces anxiety temporarily, which can make avoiding the situation more likely in the future. It may also prevent a child from discovering that a feared outcome does not occur or that they can cope effectively with discomfort and uncertainty.
Help your child identify what they are worried might happen, break the challenge into manageable steps, practice coping skills, and praise brave attempts rather than focusing only on successful outcomes. Confidence often develops through experience rather than reassurance alone.
Reference
Creswell, C., Parkinson, M., Thirlwall, K., & Willetts, L. (2017). Parent-led CBT for child anxiety: Helping parents help their kids. Guilford Press.
Clinically reviewed by Kalamazoo Child & Family Counseling. This blog post provides general educational information and is not a substitute for an individualized mental health or medical evaluation. Last reviewed: September 22, 2026.
If your child is experiencing an emergency or is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. For immediate crisis support, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
