GIVE Skill in DBT: How to Communicate and Protect Relationships
Learn how the GIVE skill in DBT can help teens and parents communicate respectfully, understand each other’s perspectives, and maintain connection during difficult conversations.
Disagreements happen in every relationship.
A teenager may feel misunderstood. A parent may worry about safety. Friends may disagree about plans or feel hurt by something someone said.
The GIVE skill in DBT provides a practical way to keep the relationship in mind while talking through these situations.
GIVE stands for:
- G: Be Gentle
- I: Act Interested
- V: Validate
- E: Use an Easy manner
GIVE is part of the interpersonal effectiveness skills in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It focuses on communicating in ways that support connection while making a request, expressing a concern, or saying no.
You can care about a relationship and still disagree. GIVE helps you approach a difficult conversation with respect while continuing to express your needs and maintain appropriate boundaries.
What Is the GIVE Skill in DBT?
GIVE focuses on relationship effectiveness: paying attention to how your communication affects your connection with another person.
Imagine a teen wants more independence while a parent wants reassurance about safety.
Both may have reasonable concerns.
The conversation can quickly become an argument if each person focuses only on proving their point. GIVE offers a structure for listening, explaining concerns, and acknowledging the other person’s experience.
The following examples show how teens and parents can practice each part of the skill.
G: Be Gentle
Being gentle means communicating respectfully, even when you are frustrated.
Describe what happened and how it affected you without insults, threats, ridicule, or personal attacks.
For example, a teen might say:
“I felt embarrassed when you brought up my missing assignments in front of everyone. Can we talk about school privately?”
A parent might say:
“When I did not hear from you after practice, I felt worried. I need us to make a plan for checking in.”
Pay attention to your tone and whether you are giving the other person room to respond.
If the conversation becomes overwhelming, a respectful pause may help.
Try:
“I want to talk about this, and I am too upset to listen well right now. Can we come back to it in 20 minutes?”
Agree on a realistic time to return so the concern can still be addressed.
I: Act Interested
Make room to understand the other person’s perspective.
Put distractions aside when possible, allow them to finish speaking, and ask a question before preparing your response.
A teen might ask:
“What worries you most about me going?”
A parent might ask:
“What was the hardest part of your day?”
Then check your understanding:
“It sounds like you felt left out. Did I get that right?”
Listening also means leaving room for the other person to correct your interpretation.
People show attention in different ways. Eye contact is not required to listen well. A side-by-side conversation, a short walk, or time to organize thoughts may make talking more comfortable.
Choose an approach that helps both people participate.
V: Validate
Validation means acknowledging what you can understand about another person’s experience.
You can recognize disappointment, worry, or anger while maintaining a boundary.
A teen might say:
“I get why you were worried when I did not answer. I should have let you know my phone died.”
A parent might say:
“You were really looking forward to going, and being left out hurts. The answer is still no tonight. I want to help you think through what would make tomorrow easier.”
Be specific.
For example:
“You worked hard on that project, so getting that grade was disappointing.”
Before moving into advice or problem-solving, give the person time to explain what the experience was like for them.
Try this sentence: “It makes sense that you feel _____ because _____.” Fill in the blanks with something you can honestly understand about the other person’s experience.
E: Use an Easy Manner
Bring warmth to the conversation through your tone, pace, and choice of words.
Gentle humor can fit some moments. Use it when both people are likely to welcome it, and take distress seriously.
A teen might say:
“Can we try that conversation again? I came in pretty heated.”
A parent might say:
“We do not have to figure out everything tonight. Let’s start with what happened.”
You do not need to force a smile or pretend to feel cheerful.
The aim is to make space for a conversation without adding unnecessary pressure.
A GIVE Skill Example: Talking About Phone Limits
Suppose a parent wants a teen to put their phone away at bedtime. The teen feels that the rule interrupts their time with friends.
A parent could say:
“I want to hear what makes this hard. Are your friends mostly talking late at night? I can understand why you do not want to miss out. We still need a bedtime plan. Could we work out a time for you to say goodnight before the phone goes away?”
The teen could respond:
“I know you are trying to help me get enough sleep. Sometimes our group chat is the only time everyone is free. Could I have a few minutes to wrap up instead of stopping in the middle of a conversation?”
These are practice examples rather than scripts that guarantee agreement.
Both people explain their concerns while leaving room for the other person’s experience.
How Teens and Parents Can Practice Together
Start with an everyday topic that feels manageable, such as choosing dinner, planning chores, or deciding when to leave for an activity.
Try these steps:
- Choose one skill. Focus on listening without interrupting or using a gentler opening.
- Take turns. Give each person time to explain what matters to them.
- Reflect before responding. Say what you heard and invite a correction.
- Try again when needed. “That came out sharper than I meant. Let me restart.”
- Notice effort. “Thanks for hearing me out” acknowledges a useful step.
Parents can model GIVE as well as ask teens to practice it.
After a difficult exchange, a parent might say:
“I interrupted you earlier. I want to give you a chance to finish.”
Repairing a conversation provides another opportunity to practice.
Can You Use GIVE and Still Say No?
Yes.
You can say:
“I care about you, and I cannot lend you money.”
Or:
“I hear that you are angry. I am going to pause this conversation while there is yelling.”
You are responsible for your own communication. You cannot control the other person’s response.
If an interaction involves intimidation, abuse, or danger, prioritize safety and seek support rather than trying to perfect your wording.
DBT Support for Teens and Families in Kalamazoo
If intense emotions and repeated conflict are affecting daily life, families can learn about DBT for teens at Kalamazoo Child & Family Counseling.
Our adolescent DBT program includes individual therapy, a teen-and-caregiver skills class, and skills coaching between appointments.
Families exploring a higher level of support can also learn about our adolescent DBT Intensive Outpatient Program.
A clinical assessment helps determine which services may fit a teen’s needs.
Build Skills for Difficult Conversations
Learn how KCFC supports teens and caregivers in practicing communication and managing intense emotions.
Frequently Asked Questions About the GIVE Skill
GIVE stands for be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, and use an Easy manner. It is an interpersonal effectiveness skill focused on maintaining connection during conversations.
No. You can acknowledge why someone feels hurt or disappointed while holding a different opinion or keeping a limit.
Yes. Parents can practice GIVE when listening to a teen, setting a boundary, or repairing a difficult conversation. Practicing together gives both parents and teens opportunities to use the skill.
Yes. You can communicate a clear limit while speaking respectfully, listening to the other person’s concerns, and acknowledging their feelings.
Sources and Additional Information
- Behavioral Tech Institute: Teaching the GIVE Skills, Part 1
- Behavioral Tech Institute: Teaching the GIVE Skills, Part 2
Important: The information on this page is provided for general educational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, or provide medical or mental health advice. This information is not a substitute for an evaluation, diagnosis, medical opinion, or treatment recommendation from a qualified healthcare professional. If your child is in immediate danger or experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department. In the United States, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
