Temper Tantrums in Children: What Parents Can Do

When a child is screaming, crying, kicking, refusing, or completely overwhelmed, it can be difficult for a parent to know what to do in the moment.

You may feel frustrated, embarrassed, angry, helpless—or all of those things at once.

And when everyone is upset, it’s easy for the situation to escalate.

Temper tantrums are common in young children, particularly while they are still developing language, frustration tolerance, impulse control, and emotional-regulation skills. But frequent, intense, prolonged, or aggressive tantrums can also create significant stress for children and families.

One of the most useful things parents can remember is that the middle of a tantrum is usually not the best time to teach a complicated lesson.

Why Do Young Children Have Tantrums?

Young children experience strong emotions before they have fully developed the skills needed to manage them.

A child may know what they want but not have the language, flexibility, patience, impulse control, or emotional-regulation skills to handle being told no, waiting, stopping a preferred activity, or dealing with disappointment.

Tantrums may be more likely when a child is:

• Tired
• Hungry
• Overstimulated
• Frustrated
• Asked to stop a preferred activity
• Transitioning from one activity to another
• Unable to communicate what they want
• Given a limit they don’t like
• Overwhelmed by demands
• Anxious or uncertain

For toddlers and preschoolers, tantrums can be part of normal development. The concern is less whether a child ever has tantrums and more about their frequency, intensity, duration, triggers, safety, and impact on everyday life.

What Is Happening When a Child Is Having a Tantrum?

Parents sometimes hear children’s emotional reactions explained using the metaphor of an “upstairs” and “downstairs” brain.

This can be a useful teaching metaphor, but it shouldn’t be taken as a literal description of how the brain switches on and off.

A simpler way to think about it is this:

When a child becomes highly emotionally aroused, it becomes harder for them to use the thinking, language, flexibility, and problem-solving skills they may be capable of using when calm.

That’s why a child who can explain the rules perfectly at 2:00 p.m. may seem completely unable to use those rules during a 7:30 p.m. meltdown.

It also explains why long lectures, complicated reasoning, and repeated threats often aren’t particularly effective in the middle of an intense tantrum.

3 Things Parents Can Do During a Tantrum

1. Stay as Calm as You Can

Parents don’t need to be perfectly calm. You’re human, and tantrums can be exhausting.

But your ability to slow yourself down can make it easier to respond intentionally rather than reacting to the child’s emotion with more emotion.

Try to:

• Lower your voice rather than raising it
• Use fewer words
• Take a slow breath before responding
• Avoid arguing back and forth
• Keep your body language as calm as possible
• Remind yourself that the goal is to get through the moment safely—not win an argument

A calm parent doesn’t magically stop every tantrum.

But when adults become increasingly angry, threatening, or emotionally reactive, the situation often becomes harder for everyone.

2. Use Fewer Words and Avoid Lengthy Negotiation

A child in the middle of an intense emotional outburst is usually not in the best position to participate in a long discussion about consequences, fairness, or why the rule exists.

Instead of:

“If you don’t stop screaming right now, we’re not going anywhere this weekend, and you’re going to lose the tablet, and I already explained why you can’t have another cookie…”

try something shorter:

“I know you’re angry. The answer is still no.”

or:

“You wanted more screen time. It’s hard to stop. Screen time is finished.”

This doesn’t mean giving in.

It means communicating the limit without turning the tantrum into a debate.

3. Keep Everyone Safe

Some tantrums involve crying, yelling, or dropping to the floor. Others involve hitting, biting, throwing objects, running away, or dangerous behavior.

Safety comes first.

If a child is hurting themselves, hurting another person, destroying property, or moving toward danger, adults should intervene to stop the unsafe behavior.

You can validate the emotion while still setting a firm behavioral limit:

“It’s okay to be angry. I won’t let you hit.”

or:

“You’re really upset. I won’t let you throw that.”

Feelings do not need to be punished. Dangerous behavior does need to be stopped.

Should Parents Ignore a Tantrum?

Sometimes.

Ignoring can be useful for certain behaviors when the behavior appears to be maintained by attention and the child is safe.

For example, repeatedly arguing, pleading, negotiating, or providing large amounts of attention during some tantrums can unintentionally reinforce the behavior.

But “ignoring” does not mean neglecting a distressed child or ignoring dangerous behavior.

Parents should not ignore behavior involving:

• Hitting
• Biting
• Running into danger
• Self-injury
• Significant property destruction
• Other unsafe actions

The right response depends on what the child is doing, why the behavior is occurring, and what tends to happen before and after it.

What Should Parents Do After a Tantrum?

Once everyone is calm, return to positive interaction.

A child does not need a 30-minute lecture about what happened.

For younger children, a brief review is often enough:

“You were really angry when we had to leave the playground. Next time you can say, ‘I’m mad,’ but you can’t hit.”

Then practice what the child can do instead.

Depending on the situation, that might include:

• Using words to express frustration
• Taking a break
• Asking for help
• Taking slow breaths
• Following a transition routine
• Choosing between two acceptable options
• Practicing how to handle being told no

Children learn new emotional and behavioral skills most effectively when they have opportunities to practice them outside the heat of the moment.

The Best Tantrum Strategy Often Happens Before the Tantrum

Parents sometimes focus entirely on what to do once a child is already screaming.

But one of the most effective strategies is identifying the situations in which tantrums reliably occur and preparing for them ahead of time.

Ask:

• When do tantrums usually happen?
• What tends to happen immediately before them?
• Are particular transitions difficult?
• Is the child tired or hungry?
• Does the child struggle more when plans change?
• Does the tantrum usually result in escaping a demand or getting something back?
• Are expectations appropriate for the child’s developmental level?

Patterns can reveal opportunities to intervene earlier.

Prepare for Difficult Transitions

Transitions are a common trigger for young children.

A child may be perfectly happy at dance class, the playground, or while using a tablet—and become extremely upset when told the activity is ending.

Parents can often make transitions easier by:

• Giving advance warnings
• Using a timer
• Keeping routines predictable
• Giving limited choices when appropriate
• Allowing enough time so the family isn’t rushing
• Practicing the transition when the child is calm
• Praising successful transitions

For example:

“Five more minutes, and then we’re putting shoes on to go home.”

Then:

“It’s time to leave. Do you want to hop to the car or hold my hand?”

The child doesn’t get to decide whether the family leaves, but they may be able to make a small choice within the expectation.

Pay Attention to What Happens After the Tantrum

Behavior is influenced by what happens afterward.

Imagine a child who screams every time a parent turns off a tablet.

If the tablet is repeatedly returned because the tantrum becomes too exhausting, the child may learn:

“When I scream long enough, screen time comes back.”

This doesn’t mean the child is carefully plotting to manipulate the parent.

It means behavior that successfully changes the outcome can become more likely to happen again.

Parents can often reduce these patterns by setting clear expectations ahead of time and following through consistently.

Validate the Feeling Without Changing Every Limit

Parents sometimes fear that validating a child’s feelings means giving in.

It doesn’t.

You can say:

“You’re really disappointed that we’re leaving.”

and still leave.

You can say:

“You’re angry that you can’t have another cookie.”

and still keep the limit.

You can say:

“You wanted the blue cup and you’re really upset.”

without immediately replacing the cup.

Children can learn an important lesson:

My feelings make sense, and limits can still exist.

Are Tantrums Always a Behavior Problem?

No.

Tantrums can have many contributors.

A child may be struggling with:

• Developmentally typical frustration
• Limited language or communication skills
• ADHD
• Anxiety
• Autism or other developmental differences
• Sensory sensitivities
• Sleep difficulties
• Trauma or significant stress
• Learning difficulties
• Difficulty regulating emotions
• Changes or stress within the family

The fact that a child has tantrums doesn’t tell us by itself why they’re happening.

Looking at the child’s age, development, triggers, behavior across settings, family circumstances, and other symptoms can help determine whether additional assessment is needed.

What’s the Difference Between a Tantrum and a “Meltdown”?

Parents and professionals sometimes use the words tantrum and meltdown differently.

Rather than getting overly focused on terminology, it can be more useful to ask:

• What happened before the episode?
• What did the child appear to need or avoid?
• Was the child overwhelmed by sensory, emotional, or cognitive demands?
• What happened after the episode?
• Does the same pattern happen repeatedly?

These questions can help identify whether the behavior is related primarily to frustration, reinforcement patterns, sensory overload, communication difficulty, anxiety, developmental differences, or another concern.

When Are Tantrums More Concerning?

Tantrums deserve closer attention when they are unusually intense, frequent, prolonged, unsafe, or significantly interfere with everyday functioning.

Consider talking with your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional when tantrums:

• Frequently involve aggression
• Include self-injury
• Cause significant property destruction
• Regularly interfere with childcare or preschool
• Make it difficult for the family to participate in ordinary activities
• Occur much more frequently or intensely than expected for the child’s developmental level
• Seem connected to significant anxiety, developmental, communication, sensory, or attention concerns
• Are becoming worse rather than improving
• Create substantial stress within the parent-child relationship

Occasional tantrums are common in young children. Persistent or severe disruptive behavior, however, may warrant a closer look.

How Can Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) Help With Tantrums?

For young children with frequent tantrums, defiance, aggression, or difficulty following directions, Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) may be an appropriate treatment.

PCIT is an evidence-based therapy designed for young children, generally ages 2–7, with disruptive behavior concerns.

Unlike traditional therapy where a child meets alone with a therapist, PCIT directly involves the parent or caregiver.

Parents interact with their child while the therapist observes and provides live coaching.

Treatment focuses on two broad areas:

• Strengthening the parent-child relationship through positive interaction skills
• Improving cooperation and behavior through clear directions, predictable expectations, and consistent follow-through

This gives parents an opportunity to practice skills in real time rather than simply receiving advice about what to try later.

Understanding the Child Behind the Tantrum

Tantrums are behavior, and behavior still needs limits.

But describing a child as stubborn, manipulative, spoiled, or bad rarely tells parents what to do next.

A more useful approach is to become curious:

When does this happen?

What happened immediately beforehand?

What skill does my child seem to be missing?

What happens after the tantrum?

How can I help my child be more successful next time?

For a deeper look at this perspective, read Oppositional Defiant Disorder: A Different Way to Understand Challenging Behavior.

You can also learn more about our services for children with challenging behavior.

Helping Children Learn What to Do With Big Feelings

The goal isn’t to eliminate every tantrum.

Young children are still learning what to do with disappointment, frustration, anger, excitement, fatigue, and limits.

Parents can help by staying as calm as possible, maintaining safety, using clear limits, preparing for predictable challenges, reinforcing appropriate behavior, and teaching skills when the child is calm enough to learn.

Over time, children can learn that big feelings are manageable—even when they don’t get exactly what they want.

Frequently Asked Questions About Temper Tantrums

Are temper tantrums normal?

Tantrums are common in toddlers and preschoolers as they develop language, independence, frustration tolerance, impulse control, and emotional-regulation skills. Parents should consider additional help when tantrums are unusually intense, frequent, prolonged, unsafe, or significantly interfere with everyday functioning.

Should I ignore my child’s tantrum?

Some attention-seeking tantrum behavior may decrease when parents consistently limit attention to it. However, dangerous behaviors such as hitting, biting, running into danger, self-injury, or significant property destruction should not be ignored. Parents should intervene to maintain safety.

Should I punish my child for having a tantrum?

Strong feelings themselves do not need punishment. Children can be taught that emotions such as anger and disappointment are acceptable while behaviors such as hitting, biting, or throwing objects are not. Consistent limits and logical consequences may be appropriate for specific behaviors.

Why does my child have tantrums during transitions?

Transitions require children to stop one activity, shift attention, tolerate disappointment, and adapt to a new expectation. Some young children find these skills particularly difficult. Advance warnings, predictable routines, timers, and limited choices can make transitions easier.

What should I say during a tantrum?

Use simple language. Acknowledge the child’s emotion, state the limit if needed, and avoid lengthy lectures or arguments. For example: “I know you’re angry. I won’t let you hit.” More detailed teaching and problem-solving can happen once the child is calm.

Can anxiety cause tantrums?

Yes. Some children become irritable, avoidant, demanding, or emotionally overwhelmed when anxious. Looking at what happens before the tantrum and whether the child is worried, overwhelmed, or trying to avoid a feared situation can provide useful information.

What therapy helps young children with frequent tantrums?

The appropriate treatment depends on the child’s age and needs. Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) is one evidence-based treatment for young children ages 2–7 experiencing frequent tantrums, defiance, aggression, and other disruptive behaviors.

When should I seek professional help for tantrums?

Consider professional consultation when tantrums are unusually frequent, intense, prolonged, dangerous, interfere with school or childcare, significantly affect family functioning, or occur alongside concerns involving attention, anxiety, development, communication, trauma, or other emotional or behavioral difficulties.

Clinically reviewed by Kalamazoo Child & Family Counseling. This article provides general educational information and is not a substitute for individualized mental health, psychological, developmental, or medical advice. Last reviewed: September 22, 2026.